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Ready, set, squat. |
Welcome to Asia a land of smiles, beautiful beaches,
delicious cuisine, fascinating temples and non-flushing toilets. Before I
arrived in Thailand I was unaware of the bathroom situation I would soon embark
on. I stepped off the big plane from America and went to the first stall I
could find expecting to see a regular toilet. As my eyes drifted down to the
ground I thought to myself, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” For newcomers to
Thailand, you need to know a thing or two about a squat before you step into a
stall or else you’re in for a special treat.
There are 3 main types of toilets in Thailand:
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Scooping water for flushing. |
1.
The Squat: Let’s
just hit the ground running and start off with the worst, ay? The squat is a
porcelain bowl no more than 3 inches above ground. You mount this puppy with
feet placed on footpads on each side of the bowl and just like the name
implies, you take the squat position and get ready for action. If you choose to
stray from my advice and put your feet on the outside of the squat, get ready
for a splash fest bigger than Songkran. The water trough beside you is not for
rinsing your hands. Take a doggy bowl type bucket and fill it up with water
from the trough and transfer it into the squat until everything goes bye- bye.
You may as well take your pants off the first few times; the squatter takes
some getting use to for farang.
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Free standing toilet doubles as shower rest. |
2. The Sitting Manual
Flush Squat: You’ll find this
gem freestanding in the middle of your shower. If you want to take a rest
mid-shower it comes in handy. It’s a bit larger than a squat but resembles the
miniature toilet used in elementary school. Next to this contraption is a saucepan
shaped bucket floating on water inside a larger bucket. I think you know the
protocol for the next step. You may also notice a hose much like a kitchen hose in the U.S.A. This is a “butt hose” or a
“bum gun.” When you’re ready to wipe, the butt hose comes into play. Hose
yourself down from front to back and don’t forget to leave time to dry. If your
aim isn’t on point, you’ll give yourself a mini-shower at an inopportune time.
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Butt hose action. |
3. A Regular Flushing
Toilet: In more modern places like shopping malls and Tesco you will find
regular sized flushing toilets but you will NEVER have toilet paper or a butt
hose. So no butt hose, no tissue what do they expect you to do, drip dry?
Sometimes there is a vending machine in the bathroom where you can buy tissue
paper. On the rare occasion that you do
have toilet paper in your stall (2% of the time), don’t think twice about
putting it in the commode. This is a huge no-no.
Researchers and proctologists have raved for years about the
benefits of squatting toilets and the health ailments caused by sitting
toilets. Maybe true, but for sanitary purposes I prefer to go sit style and
flush it all away with as much toilet paper as I would like. Now that you’re in
Southeast Asia remember that I warned you! With a little practice, patience,
and a pack of tissues on hand at all times (it’s a hot commodity here) you can
master the squat too. If you’re still
having potty problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but a SQUAT
ain’t one!
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Squat toilet with a butt hose and a flushing trough. |
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Elegantly flushing a squat. |
I have experienced all of the above and you did it with good taste and humor. Kudos
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